“Why did I Say That?!” - The Science of Overthinking Social Interactions
Picture the scene you just got back from your friend’s birthday party, and instead of relaxing, your brain decides to time to host another party - a shame spiral party except this time its your time to shine!
“I CAN’T BELIEVE I SAID THAT”
“WAS SHE MAD AT ME”
“THEY COULD TELL I WAS BEING AWKWARD”
“WHY DID I OVER SHARE THAT”
Sound familiar? Don’t worry we have all been there.
This is a loop called post-event rumination, and it's a hallmark of social anxiety.
So What Is Post-Event Rumination?
Think of it like a mental boomerang. You leave a social situation → you evaluate your performance → you replay it over and over → and somehow, it gets worse each time.
Post-Event Rumination Cycle
You didn't just say something weird…you now ruined everything.
You weren't just nervous…you were objectively a social disaster.
This cycle increases anxiety, makes future social events harder, and leaves you feeling stuck. But you can interrupt it — right in the middle. And that’s where cognitive restructuring (a fancy CBT term for “changing how you think”) comes in.
Does this sound like you? Rumination can feel endless - but you can break the cycle.
Download our post-rumination journal template here.
Let’s look at four common thinking traps — and how to fight back.
DISTORTED SELF-EVALUATION
We judge ourselves more harshly than we would judge literally anyone else.
If your friend told you the thing you’re obsessing over, you’d probably say, “Oh my god stop, that's nothing”
But in your own mind?
You're not just awkward - you’re socially unredeemable. You a complete nightmare social reject that will lose everyone that has ever loved them and will die alone.
This is distortion.
Some of the biggest offenders:
Horriblizing: Believing what you said was so much worse than it actually was.
Emotional Reasoning: “I feel anxious, so I must have been awkward.”
Instead of labelling yourself - “ I was such a weirdo” - get curious.
Verbalised how a particular conversation or event made you feel. For example:
“I felt really anxious during that conversation”
This subtle shift helps you separate emotions from reality - and its powerful.
2.EVERYONE WAS LOOKING AT ME AND I WAS ACTING WEIRD
Okay this one hits hard. You leave a gathering convinced everyone noticed… the way your voice shook, that awkward pause, you declaring you hate all men whilst conversing with…another man!!
But in all honesty… you're just not that SPECIAL. No one gives a single crap about you, hate to break it to you bestie.
People are too worried analysing themselves to think about you.
This belief that you're the centre of attention, is called egocentric bias. It’s not arrogance; it's anxiety.
So how do you deal?
You don't fight the thought directly (that just makes it louder) trust me I’ve been there. Instead:
Use mindfulness to notice when your brain spirals inward. There are some amazing resources out there on YouTube!
We also link some of our favourites every week on our free weekly newsletter which you can join by entering your email at the end of this article.
2. Gently redirect your focus outward:
“How's their day going?”
“What did they say they were doing this weekend?”
The more present you are with others, the less airtime your inner critic gets.
3. IF I MESSED UP, ITS OFFICIALLY THE END OF THE WORLD AS I KNOW IT
Your very talkative brain might be telling you:
“If I said the wrong thing, I’ll be rejected forever.”
“If they think I’m weird, it’s over”
This is Catastrophic thinking, yet get another distortion.
And it’s rooted in survival instinct. Thousands of years ago, rejection meant isolation… which meant danger. Today? Rejection just means… well, rejection. Painful? Yes. But survivable.
Ask yourself:
Would the world actually end if I said something weird?
Could I handle it if I made a mistake in front of someone?
You can. And when you build up your tolerance for discomfort, the fear loses its grip.
4. I HAVE TO BE A PERFECT ETHEREAL BEING, TO BE ACCEPTED
This is a BIG one. Many anxious folk believe they need to:
Never make anyone uncomfortable
Say everything right
Be charming, clever and cool all day every day
But here’s the truth: real connection comes from being real, not perfect.
Would you rather be liked for your mask — or loved for who you really are?
People mess up. They overshare. They say weird stuff and laugh too loud. And that’s how real relationships work: through vulnerability, repair, and grace.
So try shifting your internal script:
“I value real connection more than flawless performance.”
“Being imperfect is how I show up as human.”
REWIRING THE SPIRAL
Here’s your cheat sheet to interrupt the overthinking loop:
Notice distorted thoughts
You’re not seeing clearly — you’re seeing through the lens of anxiety.
Shift attention outward
You’re not the center of everyone’s thoughts (even if it feels that way).
Challenge catastrophic beliefs
Yes, it might have been awkward. But no, it’s not fatal.
Let go of perfectionism
You’re allowed to be a person, not a performance.
Overthinking doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means your brain is trying to protect you — just a little too aggressively. You don’t need to fight it. You just need to recognize the pattern, and remind yourself:
“I’m not broken. I’m just human.” And honestly? That’s awkwardly beautiful.
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